Well, I haven’t been posting about my faith journey through Lent like I wanted to. Thankfully, my BFF Amber has started up a new faith blog and asked me to contribute along with her! It’s good to have someone pushing me to write about my thoughts and experiences… since I’m obviously not good at motivating myself!
http://www.fallinggracefully.com
I’ve written a couple of posts there already… I hope you’ll check it out and share your faith experiences as well!
Well, I’m going into week 3 of fasting during the day, and I am surprised to admit that it hasn’t been that hard! Now, don’t take that to mean that it’s been easy. Oh, boy has it not been easy. I have to stare at a candy bowl the whole time I’m at work for Pete’s sake!
Going into the second week was when I hit a wall. I very almost decided to call it quits. I was just so hungry, and the office was ordering lunch… I WANTED TO EAT! But, I pushed through it and it wasn’t so bad on the other side. I’m still hungry during the day, but I feel like I have more of a detachment from it. My stomach doesn’t start growling anymore until right before dinner. I am definitely still hungry though, and will get the odd growl here and there.
While the hunger is no longer that large of an issue, my mental desire to eat is. I WANT to eat, not because I HAVE to, but because I WANT to. I miss the act of eating- chewing something, tasting it, enjoying it. I fantasize about food daily. I have definitely starting appreciating smells more, and dissociating the smell of my co-workers microwaving lunches (usually lean cuisines, something I would never eat myself, and let’s face it, probably not very tasty) with food, ie, I am able to just enjoy the pleasant scents of tomatoes and basil.
Have I had any spiritual breakthroughs? I don’t know… My long-distance BFF Amber has been sending me religious inspiration daily, mainly about new waves of Christianity that are surfacing now. It seems that the Christian politics are being revamped! I really need to start reading more, but fasting has definitely made me more tired.
I will continue to roll my spiritual beliefs around in my mind and will plan on writing about it tomorrow… at least about my earliest views on Christianity and God from when I was 5 years old and enrolled in Baptist kindergarten.
Two years ago at this time I was in the hospital, standing in the shower and feeling like my uterus was eating me from the inside out. Sitting on the birth ball made me want to pass out, so I leaned against the shower wall and let the warm water wash over me, and tried to ignore the exhaustion that the relenting pain caused.
The hours of screaming came later… hours of my husband and the on-call OBGYN telling me to “breathe! you need to breathe and relax!” I couldn’t. The only thing I could do was scream. For hours. I wanted to cry, but I couldn’t. Oh, yeah… and the screaming? Caused by the unnecessary pain of having to have fluids and antibiotics because the lazy, dumbass head OBGYN at the practice my Midwife belonged to couldn’t find my strep results.
Anyway… the hours of pain and screaming? The vomiting at 5 cm? The total and all-encompassing fear and exhaustion and anxiety? 100% totally worth it, because I came out with the most perfect, most adorable, and kindest, bestest, handsomest baby boy there ever was.
For two years I have shared my soul with this tiny person. I have nursed him, stayed up all night with him, cuddled him, kissed him, scolded him, cried over him, cried for him, worried about him, played with him… and loved him. Boy, do I love him.
Before I had a child, I could not have imagined the amount of love I could feel for my child. Man, is it vast. I want to be near him, touching him, all the time. I want my lips no further than 2 feet away from that soft spot on his neck, where I kiss him and make his face scrunch up in giggles.
And he has grown up into this little person. This kind little man who will kiss the pain away if ever you utter the words “ouch!”. A curious adventurer, always quick to request a “hand!” to show you whatever it is he wants to know more about! A fearless climber who exalts in climbing up on top of the couch and then tumbling off of it, upside down. And the sweet Mama’s Boy who climbs up next to me on the couch to either lay his head on my shoulder or onto my lap for a nursing session.
As I sit typing this it is hard to hold the tears back from overflowing. Tears of joy. Tears of all the frustrations in the past 24 months. Tears of all the fleeting moments, stolen away to become but a fuzzy memory in the back of my mind. And tears for all the missed moments… tears for being afraid I didn’t enjoy it enough. Because I’m not sure I did. Did I savor at those first few wobbling steps enough? The first time he went on the playground by himself, did I truly appreciate his new found independence enough? I don’t know. I don’t know.
I understand that there is no way for me to remember with perfect clarity every single moment, every joy, every triumph. That is what I cry for. Because he is never going to be one again.
But the promise of the future fills my heart with joy and the hope of new accomplishments. And I look forward to enjoying each and every one as much as I possibly can.
For the past few years, I have decided to celebrate Lent even though I am not Catholic, Presbyterian, Lutheran, Methodist, etc. Why? There is no simple answer. Mainly, I think it’s good for your soul to give something that you love up once in awhile, and reflect on what it is about it that gives you joy, among other things.
from catholicculture.org
This year, I am taking my celebration of Lent to a new level. I am going to do my own version of “fasting” during the day: I will drink only smoothies and beverages during the day (I need calories so that my milk supply doesn’t dry up) and eat dinner at night and on Sundays (typically feast days to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus). I have also given up social media for the duration. I am also going to use this time to reflect on my views on religion, which are murky even to me. I am hoping to grow spiritually from this exploration, although I also halfway expect to be just as confused when it’s over!
I really love the symbolism associated with Lent: Jesus died for your sins! He gave up his life for you! Oh! And then he was rewarded for it! It really is a beautiful sentiment. Of course, I would disagree with the emphasis on humans being inherently sinful, but that’s for a post later on!
I look forward to this season of fasting in the hopes that by allowing myself to be wanting for this short period, I will be filled with something even greater at the end.
Sweetly Stolen Moments 